A torn contract, lost engagement ring and a suitcase full of memories.

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

Day 1: Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

Why am i still single? As much as i want to use the ever famous reply " I haven't found the right person for me yet ", that would only constitute half of my answer. I am still single because i've experienced a failed marriage at an early age which needless to say ended in shambles. I am single because after years of being alone, i've been engaged and it still ended in a tearful goodbye. I had another chance of settling down, sad to say neither of us were really prepared. We were in frenzy over our whirlwind two-continent romance, that when reality sank in, it scared the hell out of us. 

When i was still back in my country (after recently breaking up with an ex), i thought that being single is a cursed life. Its lonely, empty and just so pitiful. My zodiac sign which is a lion, who's proud and confident, looked down on being single. Much as we seek wealth or a comfortable life, some sorta fame, social recognition and glory (at least subconsciously), my heart humbly desired to have a complete family. A husband i can call my own, who supports and cherishes me. And the pitter patter of petite and chubby feet. I dreamt of hosting barbecue parties with brewskies for my husband and his friends on a Friday or Saturday night. I dreamt of my kids waking up to the aroma of apple cinnamon pie early Christmas morning. I would make them attend violin or piano lessons. My husband and i would occasionally travel together or enjoy a common hobby like photography. Thats just my dream. Something i'd turn into reality when the right time comes.

Coming to Thailand for meditation changed my outlook in life in terms of relationship, love, attachment, singlehood. I've began to realize the blessings that singlehood brings.. something which i would gladly share in my later posts. 

Im single because this is all i am capable of being right now. I refuse to be involved in an out of line, tumultuous relationship which would hurt some people in the process. I know how it feels to be hurt, i know how it feels to hit rock bottom. The dark is a good place to visit from time to time, but never to dwell in. I am single because i choose to enjoy the company of myself. Its a good time to make friends with yourself, get to know yourself a little bit more. Self awareness blooms into self improvement when it is coupled with the right attitude. It allows you to make sounder judgement and decisions in life. Its such a blessing to have the chance to fulfill your dreams on your own. That self fulfillment of planting your own flag upon conquering the pinnacle of a mountain. Surely having a partner is meaningful, we end up thanking the other person for whatever accomplishments we have achieved that we forget to give credit to whom credit is truly due.. to ourselves. Perhaps if we keep this in mind, we'd learn to value ourselves more, love ourselves a tad more. 

I'm single because this time i want to wait for something and someone i deserve while living and enjoying single blessedness. Don't want to rush into something that might turn out to be an impulsive idiotic move again. I want to wait for it to happen. If i meet someone, i'd enjoy every moment of togetherness and hope it would grow into something worthwhile. But i also do know that waiting and doing nothing is utterly lazy. Open yourself to opportunities of meeting good people, potential partners if you will. I remember a passage from the bible that for me applies to the selection of a potential partner, " Cast the net on the RIGHT side of the boat, and you will find some." They cast it therefore, and now they weren't able to draw it in for the multitude of fish. " Well, that's the time to carefully select. 

Get to know someone and do not easily give up once you see something that isn't to your liking. Reflect and ask yourself if its your ego , arrogance and pride talking. Or is it what you for a fact know is something that isn't healthy for your well-being. And then, once you discover someone's imperfections, find out why it so and learn to cope if you can. Are his or her imperfections that much of a big deal or not? No, don’t  settle, but rather.. appreciate and accept. Thats what it means by truly getting to know someone. I am glad to know that my ex has already found someone he loves and is willing to take the risk with. I couldn't be much happier for him considering the fact that he's a social butterfly. My parting words for him were.. be patient. Good relationships don't just happen overnight. It takes hard work. Telling me that he has already learned his lesson made me realize, oh this is what i've been waiting for, only i was unaware. For him to learn from something we never got the chance to do. And seeing that he's actually putting into practice what he had learned from the past, gives me peace and happiness for someone i cared so deeply about. This is it, i can fully turn my back on the past. Not just piece by piece, but all at once. Not because im proud to say good riddance to someone i might call a jackass, but just be genuinely happy for that person who once meant the world to me. It is bittersweet yes. But isn't it what we all want for the people we love after all? For them to find their happiness even if its not with us. 

Upon hearing news about him, i said to myself " It's my turn. If it happened to him, maybe it will happen to me too. If not, i believe i'd be blessed with something else. Something equally great". Happiness comes in different sizes and forms anyway. Finally i realized, working hard and putting effort shouldn't just happen once you're already in a relationship. Even in the getting to know process, it can be done especially when you both share mutual feelings. Its utterly draining and unhealthy if the attraction is one-sided. To all the singles out there, be single. And when you meet someone you share mutual feelings with, give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. As the lyrics of an old song says: if the love fits wear it. And if it feels good, put it on. If it's not right then maybe, you'd be better off to leave it alone. But if it looks right then just maybe, that love you have is where you belong”.  

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